Since we are being honest here….
I have a problem asking for help. I’m getting better when it comes to my husband. We have been married eight and a half years, so I guess it’s about time that I start getting better at it. But asking others for help: nope. Don’t like it. I avoid it at all costs. It doesn’t matter if its financial help, help watching the kids, help cleaning/cooking/etc, or help with my emotions. I just don’t like to do it. I like to feel like I have it all under control. I like to feel like my exceptional planning and organizing and worrying and stressing and being a control freak has lead me to keep it all together. All on my own.
This plays out in my home with my kids and husband. It manifests itself in all my relationships. Let that sink in. ALL my relationships. I’m the one that has it together. I like being the one that everyone can count on to get stuff done. I’m the one without a care in the world because I have stressed myself to perfection.
I’m full of crap. I don’t have it all together. I am so far from perfect that perfect and Sarah shouldn’t ever be mentioned in the same sentence. Ever. And as a result, all of my relationships suffer. All of them.
Even the most important one. The one with my Father. Not Steve Stoltzfus, my biological father. The father of Heaven and Earth. The Creator. The Alpha and Omega. My Friend. Jesus Christ. The one Person that I should have no trouble asking to help me, I just can’t seem to do it.
I’m working on it.
The other day, I was reading about the crucifixion in Matthew 27. I have read the account many times, in each of the gospels. Then I got to verse 32 and my jaw dropped. Jesus needed help carrying his cross. Why in the world had I never seen that before? For me, it made the verses earlier in Matthew make much more sense and applicable. Jesus had told his disciples in chapter 16 that if anyone wanted to be his follower, then they should take up their cross and follow Him. I always thought that verse contradicted the verses where he says that His yoke is easy and the burden is light. In my head, how in the world could the yoke be easy if I was also carrying a cross? I mean, I knew that I wasn’t wearing an actual yoke and I wasn’t carrying an actual cross, but a cross is heavy! Even a metaphorical one.
So I need to get over my control freak complex. I need to learn that I can’t fix everything on my own. I need to learn to ask my “Simon” for help when I need it. I need to learn that my help really does come from the Lord, the creator of Heaven and Earth. I need to learn that He has sent some Simons to help me out, but I need to approach them.
If Jesus, the Son of God, needed help carrying His cross, why in the world do I think I have to carry mine all on my own? Like Jesus, I’ll take up my cross. I’ll walk and struggle under its weight. Then a “Simon” will come and help me out. I’ll probably have to ask for the help since I don’t have soldiers forcing my cross on to someone else, but if I can muster the courage to ask for help, help is going to come. It may not look like I want it to look, but help will come.